I decided to do something that was very entertaining aside from doing my usual rants on bands and life in general, and it has turned out to be a little crude as well.
I present for your entertainment - farts, metal style. A collection of farts descriptions that are compared to various metal styles. I had to do this... a demented mind is a terrible thing to waste.
Metalhead gaseous attack listing
1) Pop Metal Farts
These bottom explosions are ones that you may or may not be proud of once this gass is released. They seem to have little in the way of volume or any real power, and in the end... they do not last long either. Some might say that it is even lame to blame them on the dog if your inclined to blow this one, but at least you will believe that your body has better in store for next time.
2) Old School Metal Farts
These ones are your basic nasty and straight to the point sort of rear attacks. They are
loud and unabashed, with a wee bit of small power that would make your little sister pass out and make her irritating cat shed on the spot.... but keep in mind they have been proven to be
somewhat hazardous to your pet fish or to that butt-ugly iguana that your kid brother stole from the science lab.
3) Power Metal Farts
These one make most people around you take notice, because they sound like your taking
a cheese grater to a bear’s genitals... and they really come out smelling worse than that ol’
grizzly as well. They are boisterous and completely remorseless, one whiff certainly will kill any rap fans that are within a four block area of your location. They also seem to make pet hamsters explode on contact as well
4) Thrash Metal Farts
They make most people around you want a stage dive away from you in horror... even if
there is no one there to catch them after a fifteen foot drop on their faces. These bottom bellows are bombastic each of the senses anyone can actually have in their bodies, while the reek are way more crude and rude than any sailor who has had way too much to drink on shore leave.
5) Speed Metal Farts
These very distinctive bad boys are like a run away machine gun stuck on full automatic.
They flair out of your nether regions and make you deliver whiplash to everyone’s ears and
noses too. The stench that is produced will literally melt everybody’s minds... as well as any hair they have in their nostrils. Your butt might feel as if it on fire while expelling this rumbling attacker, but seeing the reactions around you... and the fact that it may kill the nerd in the second row, would be more than worth it.
6) Nu-Metal Farts
They sound a little different that the old school butt blasts, and have this strange but gag
compelling aroma of vegetables and imported beer... yet they still hold their own odour wise. Despite the nu-smell, it seems to work great as it repel any signs of country music for miles, and give you the chance to order another brew from Mexico before they go to the army surplus store for masks.
7) Progressive Metal Farts
These very interesting back door opuses are a joy to hear, being that they are well crafted
musical arrangement while still holding a rumbling bark like a very angry pit bull. The smells dance around and spreads as well, making people notice and run away all in the space of a few seconds. They seem so nice to the ears, but the musicality of it’s complex nature is a little bothersome to your colon.
8) Death Metal Farts
These one are nasty both on yourself and others. It leaps out and attacks at full volume,
sounding like the anger of all the gods in one.. It kills by using flesh rending vibrations with the mind melting green gas cloud that accompanies it. It with stop traffic, and kill many
domesticated small animals if not done outside. Some of these ones have been known to take
down a commercial jet from overhead too.
9) Doom Metal Farts
These nasty wicked blasts low and long and tend to nearly demolish your butt clear apart, and threaten to melt your jeans like if you had blown Brimstone fire out of your orifice. What hangs in the air after it is release, would kill any Jehovah’s Witnesses who are sadly in a ten mile radius of you and makes all other people repent in the horror of it all.
10) Extreme Black Metal Farts
These are the ones that you only do once. Between the sound and the putridness that
accompanies it, it will disintegrate you like a hydrogen bomb, and will take all life as we know it in one large cloud of green stench. We would be left in a world of methane and destruction, where even the cockroaches cannot survive these ass blasts.
There you are... hope this gives you a giggle or two.